The P.A.P.A. Likability Framework  

Are you ready to become so likable that people can’t help but want to be around you—just like a puppy at a dog park? 

Firstly, I’m curious—do any of these sound familiar?

  • Struggling to make connections in networking events?
  • Feeling overlooked in meetings or discussions?
  • Wishing you could project confidence without coming off as too stiff or formal?
  • Wanting to leave a lasting impression without resorting to cheesy pickup lines?

If so, you’re in the right place! Let's dive into the P.A.P.A. Likeability framework together!

P =  PRESENCE AND POSITIVITY

The first impression you make. It involves body language, posture, and confidence.

The "triple threat" of likability: warmth + competence + energy

Here is an example on how Barack Obama’s Approach to Engaging with Others worked. 

STEP 1: Enter with Intention

  • First 7 Seconds: When Obama enters a room, he often does so with a confident, purposeful stride. He positions himself to be seen and makes a strong first impression.

STEP 2: Lead with Warmth, Demonstrate Competence Second

  • Warmth: Obama frequently begins interactions with a genuine smile and a friendly greeting, creating an inviting atmosphere.
  • Competence: He follows this with clear, articulate communication, demonstrating his knowledge and authority on the topic at hand.

STEP 3: Use the "Triple Nod" Technique

  • During conversations, Obama often nods three times to signal understanding and encourage dialogue. This technique shows he is actively listening and engaged.

STEP 4: Employ Positive Vocal Tone

  • Obama’s vocal tone is warm and inviting, often varying his pitch and volume to emphasize key points, making his communication more impactful.

 

A = ASK (with genuine curiosity)

Follow-up questions signal you're actually listening, not just waiting to talk

Brooks' Harvard research stated that People who ask more questions are rated as significantly more likable.

  • The "follow-up question ratio": Ask 1 opening question, then 3-5 follow-up questions

Here’s how Oprah Winfrey exemplifies the "A = ASK" principle in her conversations.

  • Genuine Curiosity: Oprah is known for her authentic interest in others. When she interviews guests, she often starts with open-ended questions that encourage them to share their stories deeply. For example, she might ask, "What inspired you to pursue your passion for writing?"
  • Active Listening: Oprah follows up on her guests' responses with thoughtful, probing questions. For instance, if a guest mentions a challenging experience, she might ask, "How did that shape your perspective on life?" This shows she is genuinely engaged and not just waiting for her turn to speak.

P = PAUSE & PROCESS

Pausing 2-3 seconds before responding increases perceived thoughtfulness

 

  • The most charismatic people know when to stop talking
  • Balanced conversation (appropriate pauses) creates more satisfaction than rapid-fire exchange
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Here’s how Martin Luther King Jr. effectively used the principle of "pause and process" in his speeches and interactions:

Deliberate Pauses: King often employed purposeful pauses during his speeches to allow the audience to absorb powerful messages. For instance, in his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, he pauses after key phrases like "I have a dream" to let the significance resonate with listeners.

Creating Impact: By pausing, he elevated the emotional weight of his words, giving listeners time to reflect on their meaning. This technique made his message more memorable and impactful.

A = AUTHENTIC CONNECTION

 

The "similarity-attraction effect": We like people who are like us

  • Vulnerability creates likability (in appropriate doses)
  • Self-disclosure should be reciprocal and escalating

Here’s how Richard Branson exemplifies authentic connection through the "similarity-attraction effect":

Relatable Personality: Branson often shares personal stories and experiences that resonate with others. He talks about his challenges, adventures, and even his failures, making him relatable. For instance, he frequently discusses his passion for adventure and entrepreneurship, appealing to like-minded individuals.

Shared Interests: Branson connects with people by highlighting shared values, such as innovation, sustainability, and fun. He often engages with young entrepreneurs and adventurers, fostering a sense of camaraderie and mutual understanding.

 

When you find the spark: Ask 5+ follow-up questions on THAT topic

Brooks' "Question Timing" Strategy:

  • First 5 minutes: 60% questions, 40% sharing
  • Minutes 5-15: 50% questions, 50% sharing
  • After 15 minutes: 40% questions, 60% mutual exchange

The "Callback" Technique: Reference something they said earlier in the conversation: "Going back to what you said about [topic earlier]..." Effect: Shows you're fully engaged, not just making small talk

Top 6 common errors when trying to be liked

 

ERROR: Waiting for your turn to talk FIX: Actually listen, ask follow-ups

ERROR: Sharing too much too soon FIX: Match their vulnerability level, escalate slowly

ERROR: Giving generic compliments FIX: Be specific + impact + authentic

ERROR: Asking questions like an interview FIX: Share briefly between question clusters

ERROR: Filling every silence FIX: Embrace 2-3 second pauses ERROR: Making it about you FIX: 43% you / 57% them ratio

ERROR: Trying too hard to be liked FIX: Focus on being genuinely curious about them

Based on research from Nisbett & Wilson, Byrne, Ambady & Rosenthal, Brown & Levinson, Vanessa Van Edwards (behavioral investigator and author of "Captivate") and Dr. Alison Wood Brooks (Harvard Business School professor studying conversation dynamics).